-Satisfying Myself-

My contract ends in the end of february. Happy and sad that this is happening. I don’t know what to do. I want to leave but then I don’t. I have this thing where I need to know what I’m doing steps ahead, just in case shit goes bad.  All I want is a job with better perks. I haven’t found that job yet. I need that, and when I think about my friend who got lucky and God bless her by the way of finding a really good job. I want that same type of job. But, who the fuck knows if I will get that job. Since i don’t meet the requirements of being a female or white. A Hispanic guy like me just trying to get something good. To be honest, I’ve never really wanted the true best in anything because I don’t think it is worth having the true best in my opinion. But, I want something that I know I can deal with whether if its good or bad. My current job is gong to give me some future perks if i renew my contract  right now. But for some reason I don’t want it. Maybe because of my pride. The little that I have makes me want try to act tough for no reason…Thinking of my life and the state I am in, I have to get what I can get. They are giving me the perks and hopefully still now if I asked for it. But I want more. Being this unsatisfied of not getting what I want is driving me insane. My top perk is to see my family, i miss them all dear. All of them, I just want to hug them and tell them all that I miss them. I really wish that I can go and head to my cousin’s wedding, but I don’t think it is going to happen and its not going to be enjoyable for me. No way in hell I am going to get a good amount of days off and stay with the family in Puerto Rico for a weekend and head back to the other side of the world. I know it’s my cousin’s day but I’m not going to enjoy none of that. I rather be with them where I know them all my life and that’s in New York. Talking to one of the greatest guy I ever met in a long time has helped me enough to keep my mind, heart and spirit at ease. I will try and see for the next couple of days if I should stay here of not. After four cigarettes, hopefully a good wank and movie before I head to bed will let me relax at bit. Oh yea, and my rant here.